Non-stop negativity.  Chronic complaining.  Wearisome whining.   Persistent pessimism.  Know anyone like this? It seems like every workplace and every social group has at least one “Negative Ninny” – a person for whom the weather is always too something (hot, cold, wet, dry, cloudy, sunny…), the brother is annoying, the food is lousy, the vacation was a drag, and… well, you get the picture. For this type of person, the proverbial glass is always half empty.  No matter how good things are, this naysayer can only see the bad…. and worse, feels compelled to express it to everyone else. Like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, for this person the “Outcome always looks sort of gloomy.” 

Don’t misunderstand.  It is perfectly normal to complain occasionally.  No one is agreeable and content all of the time.  But chronic complainers are just never content or agreeable.  There are two problems with this type of person.  First, it is a drag to be around a wet-blanket personality.  More importantly, negative people tend to make people around them unhappy too. People who are downers are highly contagious and one chronic complainer can easily get an entire department down.

Dealing with a chronic complainer is not easy.  Trying to stop a complainer from complaining is like trying to stop a dog from wagging its tail.  Most strategies don’t help and can even make things worse.  At the risk of being labeled a negative ninny myself, here are few suggestions of what not to do with a gloomy Gus or an Oscar the Grouch:

1.  Don’t try to cheer them up. 
Saying things like “Oh, it can’t be that bad”, “Come on, cheer up” or “Time heals all wounds” just tells a complainer that you don’t understand how bad things are.  He or she will often complain even harder to convince you – and the world – that this problem is very serious indeed.
2.  Don’t suggest solutions. 
Statements that begin with “Why don’t you…”, “Have you tried…” or “You should really have…” will only make them work even harder to convince you – and the world – that your solutions could never work. After all, if they couldn’t solve their problem, why would you be able to solve it.
3.  Don’t urge them to pull it together. 
Words like “Quit complaining and do something about it” or “If you’re not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem” just fuels a naysayer’s negativity.  Telling them that their problems are trivial and they just need to pull themselves together is like throwing gasoline on a fire.  Step back and watch it erupt.
4.  Don’t complain about complainers. 
Saying things like “Sally really complains a lot, doesn’t she?” simply turns you into a partner in crime… another complainer. 
5.  Don’t ignore or avoid them. 
Avoiding a complainer makes them clamor for attention.  Ignoring them is even worse.  They will work harder to be heard.
6.  Don’t agree with them or jump on the complaining bandwagon. 
It is tempting to say things like “You know what, you’re right, this project really is tedious” or “The weather really is lousy. In fact everything is lousy”.  While it might create an us-against-the-world feeling, it is ultimately a bad idea because the more people complain, the less prone they are to doing something about their problems.
7.  Whatever you do, don’t confront them.
Confronting a complainer will drive him/her underground.  You may not hear the complaints, but others will.  Repressed complaining is worse than open complaining because it gets to stew and breed. 

So how do you nix the negativity?
Demonstrate understanding and be empathetic.  This approach works because it gives the complainer what he / she is really after: Empathy. Not cheering up, not solutions, not egging-on. This person just wants understanding of what is, for him/her, a difficult situation.

Case in point.  A doctor told me about an elderly, grouchy patient of his. Every time the patient came in for an appointment, he’d complain about the weather, his children, his car, taxes, society, and any other topic that might arise.  The doctor, a naturally happy person, would try to cheer him up. It didn’t work.  Instead it made the patient complain more.  Eventually, the doctor decided to try empathy.  The next time the patient came in for an appointment, the doctor was ready. As soon as the patient walked in, he immediately started complaining. After listening to his usual litany for a while, the doctor said, with genuine empathy, “You know, that sounds terrible. I don’t know how you deal with all of these problems.”  Guess what the patient said?  “Weeeeell, it’s not that bad!” 

For this strategy to be effective, you cannot be sarcastic when you express empathy. Be sincere. You don’t have to agree that these are huge problems. Even if everything the complainer says sounds trivial, remember that it feels like a huge problem to him or her. What is trivial for one person can be a huge problem for another.  Just acknowledge the fact that this is a huge problem for that person. Which it is. 

Is this strategy fool-proof.? No.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  But it keeps you from being part of a vicious cycle of responses that just makes the complainers complain more. For that reason alone, it is worth trying.  If nothing else, the cycle is cut when you take their distress seriously.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.” John N. Mitchell

© 2010 – 2011, Keren Peters-Atkinson. All rights reserved.